


In the Darkness There

by Seraphimrose



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Drabble, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-02
Updated: 2014-02-02
Packaged: 2018-01-10 21:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1164750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seraphimrose/pseuds/Seraphimrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some part of Nanaba knew that she wasn't ever going to see him again....</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Darkness There

There is a moment, you see someone and you know you will never see them again. It happens in a single instant, too fast for the heart to comprehend. Nanaba didn’t have time to think, didn’t have time to read into the situation more than what they had to do. All she knew was that Mike had told her exactly what she needed to do, that she had to pull the new recruits from the barracks, put them on horses and run. Titans were invading the walls and they were helpless without any gear, gear they took from them. Their safety, their lives were now in danger because of their carelessness.

 

She didn’t have time to completely understand what her squad Leader was saying, or that his actions, would result in his death. Nanaba couldn’t put those pieces together in the few seconds as his horse turned away. There is only time for a single look; a single gaze they hoped could convey the only goodbye the soldier would ever receive. Mike’s words echoing numbly in her ears over the roar of hooves, a parting order to continue ahead. He told her that he would stay and draw their attention, to give them time. He ordered her to stay with them, and not to turn back. A part of her understood, _this is it….this is the part where I never see you again._ But that understanding wouldn’t be acknowledged. It wouldn’t be read upon, no, she didn’t have time she couldn’t look at that pain, that sorrow that would have eaten through her stomach like acid. He would draw their attention, then meet with them later. Yes…

  
No pain would have hurt less than the knowledge of his death. No life worth living would exist there without him, his gentle words murmured in her ear giving her hope that days will always get better, that every action they make, no matter how small makes a difference and betters humanity. They had to fight, both of them, they couldn’t stop fighting. Without her Squad leader’s guidance, without his firm  push there wouldn’t be any reason to go on half living.

  
  
But that wasn’t the reason she kept riding, why she didn’t turn to him in that moment and never let him leave. She would face anything with him and he knew that too well. They couldn’t think of themselves, they both couldn’t be that selfish.  These children, these soldiers were all she rode for now. They were the reason Nanaba couldn’t look back, why she didn’t look at what was going to be their final goodbye.  It simply wouldn’t add up in her mind.  She continued on that blind mindset alone, whenever she wavered and the soldier wanted to look behind her shoulder, when her fingers started to shake as her body began to realize who they had just said their final goodbye to, one of the trainees voice’s would ring up from the torrent of hooves beating gravel,  grounding her, snapping her senses back to their well being.

  
_That’s right, we still have a duty here. They need me now._

  
   
 Sasha, Connie, Ymir, Reiner, Bertholdt, Christa….They were her responsibility. They were Mike’s responsibility and Gerger’s, Renne’s, And Hennick’s. A rock formed in her throat as Nanaba clenched her jaw and pushed them harder and faster.  They wouldn’t fail these children, they were too young to die because of their mistakes, their mistrust.  Nanaba met Gerger’s eyes, shaking her head at the look of grim fear in his eyes. Don’t fall to fear, we can’t afford to buckle now. She hoped her gaze would give her teammate strength.

  
  
But anyone looking upon Nanaba now would only see numbness, and a dull fire in her eyes. She wouldn’t let herself slow down, she wouldn’t let herself succumb to the rapidly growing realization of his sacrifice.

  
  
Not until Utgard, until nightfall when she believed they were safe. They were finally safe and they tucked themselves away within the bowels of the ancient stone walls.The last few hours brought them so many questions, so much horror. Now that it was calm, and quiet Nanaba only could hear her heart slamming in her ribcage.  _Oh goddess….what has he done._ She staggered against one of the walls, her hands clasped over her mouth as her realization hit her hard and fast and painfully as though a spear was shoved through her chest.

  
_He’s dead isn’t he,  
my Mike is dead._   


  
  
Her hands clutched her mouth as though she was going to be sick, muffling out a choked sound as her legs gave out and she finally sank to the stoned floor, unable to breath. Her lips parted but Nanaba’s lungs refused to work, refused to take in a breath her body craved. Her body shook horribly and she continued to clutch her mouth, trying to muffle the choked sobs that fell from her mouth. She had to get up, Nanaba had to be strong, she couldn’t afford to break down now she didn’t have the time and these soldiers deserved better. They all deserved better.  But her body refused to move, like a mantra in her mind she could only hear a dull ringing in her ears. Nanaba wouldn’t see his face again when she woke up. She wouldn’t eat with him anymore, morning drills, paperwork, all those mindless tasks that didn’t seem so bad Nanaba now yarned for. For his scent that surrounded her when she curled against his chest at night when they didn’t have to be Squad leader, and Lieutenant anymore. Like pine and earth, she yearned to be helpless and protected. Nanaba couldn’t let tears start to fall. The soldier hunched over, wanting to throw up, to purge this vile hollow darkness from her body and go back to times when she didn’t have to be the strongest one.

  
  
She wanted to be helpless, Nanaba wanted him here, telling her to calm down and take it all in stride. She wanted to go to him, on horse, on her feet it didn’t matter as long as she could feel his arms around her again. Nanaba’s hand gripped at the wall, pulling herself back up onto shaky legs. Choked sobs rattled her body but still she wouldn’t let tears come – She couldn’t let tears come. Nanaba had to be strong, she didn’t have time to break down. 

  
_“Humanity has only lost when we stop fighting.”_

  
The castle rattled and shook, suddenly, making the blond jump up, like a slap on her back she gasped in full lungful’s of air, gulping them down and her hands pressing to her heart to stop it from beating so rapidly. His words now rang in her ears, a prayer, a chant that held true and firm. Nanaba stood and ran up the spiraled staircase to the roof. A fire burning in her belly and a hard look in her eyes…Not yet, they weren’t done fighting yet.

  
  
“I will never stop fighting.”

 

~~~~~

  
There is a moment when you know you are going to die. When you know it is going to be okay, when you know you died doing everything, everything you could and you at least made some sort of a difference. There was a feeling of peace that came with it, intermingled with the fear, the adrenaline, Nanaba reacted without thinking. How much time has passed? An hour, two since they believed they were safe and quickly proven wrong? Her gas was empty and Gerger was falling and there was no other choice, nothing else she should have done in that moment than save his life.

  
  
…Or at least tried to.

  
  
She caught herself, gripping against the stone wall, her lungs hurt from screaming the orders, her limbs were tired from holding her blades up and she was out of gas. Fuck she had been running low for ages. None of that mattered, hanging against the side of the castle her breathing stilled in her lungs. Nanaba felt her body jerk still, a calm sort of quiet washing over her body as she looked eye level with six titans who peered back with wide, glassy eyes. Warm steam fell from their wet lips and she was pulled from the wall without hesitation, the tethers that anchored her to the castle pulled free like roots of a stray weed. Like a child’s toy she was tight in their grasp – It was so hot. This was the moment when she knew she was finally going to die. 

  
Nanaba had done everything she could do, she had fought until her body gave out, she protected the children to the absolute best of her abilities and she was tired, so very tired and so ready to stop. Did Mike feel this way? Did he die accepting it, that he had done everything he could do to protect the people he cared about? Gods she hoped so, Nanaba was squeezed so tightly she couldn’t breathe and her breath was choked and small. _Pull through the pain Nanaba, it won’t last much longer._ Her body released a choked cry anyway, still ever fighting as she draped her arm over her eyes, wanting to block out the sight of the huge grinning beasts clutching her tightly. Her eyes squeezed shut as pain blossomed on her hip, a horrid fanged tear against her belts, tearing the gear off her body. Soon there was only a high ringing in her ear, and wetness on her body, the pain didn’t last, only a pressure from their teeth. Her body shuddered and her eyes fluttered closed, there wasn’t any pain, not anymore as she choked in a final ragged breath.

 

_Mike….._

 The warmth on her body felt like the same sun that bled through her window back in the barracks. Her heart, beating slowly in her ears like his had when she fell asleep against his bare chest, listening only to his heart, and the felt the slow rise and fall of his chest as he breathed.  She was suddenly so tired….Nanaba fell away to nothing, darkness only surrounded her as she slipped into a warm sleep. Nanaba would just…sleep now, she fought hard enough today. She would wake up in his arms, with the warm sun bleeding over their shared bed and just smile, she wouldn’t tell him about this horrible dream, and that she loved him, and that Nanaba could spend forever just listening to his heartbeat.    
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Alright well this is really my first drabble, I mostly wrote it in the night and well, I liked it (i hope you did as well!). I really love this pairing, the way they fit together. 
> 
>  
> 
> I don't know, it's just my little drabble, I hope I didn't lay the dramatics on there too thickly. I would enjoy constructive criticism, like I said it is my first time posting up one of my actual dabbles, thank you for reading!


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